What About Enmeshment?


What about Enmeshment?

Desda Zuckerman

Simplistically, enmeshment or merging electromagnetically with another person is not compassion but fixing. Attempting to take on another person’s problem, combining your subtle structure with theirs from a place other than the Edge creates an insidious, indistinct connection that is not healthy or desirable.

Enmeshment occurs when you are operating with your awareness placed in the Human Electromagnetic Field, and not keeping a distinct boundary at your Edge. When we blend with another through the action of enmeshment, we make an unconscious link that starts from the posture of helping, caring, or loving and ends up being a draining, depleting experience for both people. Ironically, it is manipulative and disrespectful to enmesh with another person.  The most respectful way a person can be present with a friend, loved one or business associate is at the Edge; allowing them complete autonomy while, staying whole and awake to your human potential.

Unfortunately, once enmeshment has occurred it can be difficult to disentangle. People usually need to wake up to the idea they instinctively enmesh and to realize the value of not doing it to shift this habitual pattern. Most of us are aware when something like this has happened and feel affected by the experience. Think about the last time you got tangled up with another person and felt worse, unlike your self after it occurred. Following an enmeshment it isn’t just that you are connected to another person it is that you are trying to get rid of them by purifying their energies through your system, taking on their Karma and their issues, absorbing and identifying their physical pain and emotional distress as your own. You might even be attempting to deal with their neuroses suddenly feeling weirdly unable to cope with your life.

The worst part of this is that you inevitably forget that it happened and start identifying their craziness and stress as your own. We humans take on whatever is in our tribal environment. This might have worked in a small pre-historic group where the survival of the tribe mattered more than any individual. So everyone cleaned up the toxicity, imbalance and even insanity of everybody else. It’s beautiful to think that when something bad happens to one, it happens to all, and we can care for each other in such an altruistic way. It is ideal really. Except for the fact that an enmeshment lifestyle requires a small tightly knit clan or unit to work. And most diabolical of all for the independent 21st Century human being, the development of individual power, skills or accomplishments are subsumed by the group and diffused across the community.

How could enmeshment function in the modern world? Would it work in your daily life when you interface with more people than your ancient ancestor knew or saw in their entire life just walking down the street to work? Automatic and instinctual enmeshment does not benefit anyone’s life in such a populated environment. No wonder it is getting harder and harder to find intimacy. Enmeshment means you are intimate with everyone you encounter in a day and the more enmeshed you are the less you remember who you are.

Here’s What Happens

After the initial impact of two energy structures leaves an enmeshment with another intact, it creates not only an energetic entanglement but much more significantly you take on Karma with this other person. Repeated enmeshment can also create an obscuration (a cloak-like coating) at the Edge and gum up your ability to sense from there. This merged connection turns out to be unhealthy and damaging. It sends mixed signals about who you are and by the very nature of this action puts us at crossed purposes with our hearts desire and the very basic human need to sincerely care, love, or help another. What started as a way to survive is now costing us our effectiveness and healthy individuality.

Enmeshment is an Electromagnetic Field event that can shape your life and leave you unable to distinguish yourself from other people in your family, work and world. Whether you are the one enmeshing or being enmeshed with the result is the same. Overwhelming others in this manner is not at all helpful, but is instead a sophisticated form of manipulation, one that the strongest energy always wins. It is an impossible madness to attempt to control or direct your world by taking it on or merging with it.

It turns out enmeshment is costly to the soul. Not only do we shoulder and process our brother’s and sister’s foreign energy. But we actually lose bits and pieces of our own emotional life, our burdens and our triumphs when we are unable to maintain a healthy, respectful and separate identity. Why are we still instinctively responding as if everyone we meet is a member of our long lost tribe? Taking on the toxic waste of a stranger to process and purify is actually a pretty invasive thing to do. Enmeshment is almost always a poisonous and costly event.

What About Intimacy?

If your intimate relationships depend on merging with your partner it’s time for a new idea of what really deep connection can be. Choosing to be together in communion with another is a mature act. It is the very definition of adulthood. Two independent entities agree to become intimate, to establish a shared ground of being and to engage in any form of close personal contact. This requires desire, permission and choice.

Surrendering self does not require enmeshment. It is possible to engage absolutely at the Edge of the Human Energy Structure and to incorporate all that you are in a deeply personal connection instead of losing your boundary for the short-lived fusing with another person in wild abandon. Passion is not restricted to loss of self-identity and it does not exclude the ability to consciously be present with the object of your passion. Human beings are instinctively passionate and when we love we immerse ourselves into the experience. But what if instead of drowning we floated on the waters of intimate connection and remained present to the needs and desires of the other from the place of greatest compassion? What if intimacy became the most spiritual of events: the acknowledgement of two souls for each other in loving and passionate embrace? At the Edge this is not just possible it is easily the most natural thing there is.

A Beautiful New Paradigm

It is time for a change, a beautiful new paradigm of how to be with one another. Imagine a world where everyone was considerate and respectful using the Edge Practice. Where differences were handled compassionately instead of with overriding violence and controlling behaviors. Where instead of attempting to fix our neighbors we were present with them and heard their concerns. Where your identity includes both your soul and your personal desires. Where intimacy was the choice and fulfillment of deepest respect and compassion. Moving out of our pre-historic enmeshment society into a world of respect and acknowledgment where all people are together at the Edge.



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